Growing Pains or We're Going To Need A Bigger Boat
I have a vivid memory when I was 5 or 6 and waking up crying because I was hurting. No place in particular and all over at the same time. I remember my mom giving me a hug and tucking me back into bed saying "It's just growing pains. It will pass." My son is having his own growing pains and his cries remind me of that memory. I hold him, and rock him, and whisper "It will pass, my Love". My heart hurts for him, but I know it really will pass.
Now that I am all "grown up" I thought my time for growth was done. Physically this is true- I will never be taller than my current 5 foot 4 self. On the inside, though, I'm suddenly feeling new pains. My head and my heart are both experiencing unexpected growth and change.
The amount of love I have for my husband and son makes my heart swell, and every day I feel it get larger. It's crazy because I didn't think I could feel any more love for these two than I already do. Sometimes the feeling is so strong that my heart will seize up, a lump will fill my throat, and I'll be on the verge of tears. The power of love is staggering.
My expanding heart is not the only thing that brings me to tears lately. There is a part of me that feels suddenly lost. The person who I see in the mirror isn't always reflecting the person I feel inside. My brain is struggling with reconciling the gal I am (mama in her 30's), the gal I feel I should be (the cute young gal who runs a video game store), and the gal I want to be (both). That probably sounds nonsensical. I'm not sure I can properly express the disconnect or the anxiety it makes me feel.
An example would be me struggling to get dressed each morning. While I want to wear super nerdy shirts and look relate-able at work, my personal style is changing to be more chill. Ultimately it is my store and I can wear whatever I want (and I do). I feel like I have spent the last five years building a persona at the store and I'm scared to change it. What if I don't stand out or people don't take me seriously? Where is the happy medium? Is there a happy medium?
I feel like I have a lot more growing to do to make room for this new me, whoever she is and however she is dressed. She will have taken taken bits from all the conflicting parts and turned it into a great big ball of contentment and confidence. So a lot of room, a lot of growth, is needed. In the mean time I will hurt, but it will pass.